you'll never see my eyes.

crookedspin @ 2002-02-03T18:45:00

2002-02-03T23:50:16Z

You fo-got I was a Ninja, mothafuckaaa!

crookedspin @ 2002-02-02T15:42:00

2002-02-02T20:41:12Z

i keep opening my mouth to give the impression that i'm talking to someone.
but there isn't anyone who i can give the impression to.

"speech and words are limiting."

however without them we're left cursing our /previous pretentious/ theories.

it's always something.
isn't it.
always something after the last stressful occurance has been shot in the back.
it dies, decays into the soil, grows into grass and is eaten by the next annoyance causing you further worry.

i'm ready to kill my crops to starve my worries.
i don't know what that means quite yet.

/alliteration./

crookedspin @ 2002-01-29T18:32:00

2002-01-29T23:57:05Z

assignment for creative writing:

"some days you keep your hand closed"

some days you keep your hand closed
on the johnny walker red
nails
your fingers prone to grime
slowly shaking
curved and brittle
blessed like your crimson stains.

hum.
phlegm is rampant, neverending supply in the back of my throat.
it's probably necessary that i start going to class as well.
disappointment here i come.

"you know, hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."

crookedspin @ 2002-01-27T18:57:00

2002-01-27T23:58:09Z

the play went incredibly, end of story.

i got away with sleeping over at boy's house.
thanks to the help of scheming, friends and phone calls.

empty house + jacuzzi (spelling? crazy word) = something worth risking getting into immense trouble for.
no matter what the consequences.

today resulted in:
- a couple close calls.
- a damn good morning, mhm.
- father leaving for croatia.
- mother in continual pissy mood.
- bonding experience making cookies with otherwise irritating 11 and 13 year olds.
- watching Rain Man.

i give you the impossible.
a more than bearable sunday.

the result of a mid-day sleep.

2002-01-23T22:46:03Z

it was all reflected in lost conciousness
i saw girls drowning under white cotton sheets
one grinning somehow sanely
with red-brown blood around her eyes
the dogs that snarled at the chipped white door
in the middle of the sky
standing, facing the horizon
it shut and pulled and locked again
but yellow lights then started flashing
poking spheres into my back
and a hollow man began to scream and shake
and move around the sun
his eyes were blue and black and gold and green
eyes like dogs who ate his feet
and that horrific, bitter meaning
when he'd stumble on his words
some reacurring feeling
that i'd had the dream before.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-21T19:08:00

2002-01-22T00:15:32Z

i'm doing my best to work on my senior page pictures.

but it doesn't have the appeal that it had when i was a freshman.

and i keep going over my lines because opening night is thursday.

i did, however, do a double photo of slava and i from last night:

no making fun of me, either.
i know i look silly as hell.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-19T15:26:00

2002-01-19T20:29:09Z

the day the sky was as white as the ground:

the end.

i am in love with sifl.

2002-01-17T16:14:36Z

in fact i am so in love with him that i am him:

Which Sifl & Olly Show Character Are You?
Brought to you by Fifth Dream Today.

i might just have a brain aneurysm.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-14T16:41:00

2002-01-14T21:40:12Z

my new icon could beat your icon in hand-to-hand combat.

it means something when the person doesn't tell you that they're leaving anymore.
something significant.
something i know, but that i don't want to make the effort to acknowledge.
so that i can rectify the situation.
i'm such a selfish human being.
and the simple fact that most human beings are selfish is not an excuse.

i have an hour.

and i'm spending it writing this.
on and off.
watching the remains of my apple turn brown.
it's taking it's time.

"a watched apple core never turns brown."

this song is my song of the day.
look below.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-10T18:02:00

2002-01-10T23:23:18Z

recent realizations:

i am drawn to people with nice eyebrows.
i cannot stop tweazing my own eyebrows.

i have a fear of falling forwards when i walk down stairs.
i have a fear of falling backwards when i walk up stairs.

you will never truly know the smell of your own house.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-09T16:28:00

2002-01-09T21:24:26Z

i have a date with a college counseler.

monday: 2:30 p.m.

SPEAKING of college, look at this ridiculous-ness i just found on the table:

what a drag.
really something to look forward to, huh?

the small print not shown reads-

We will address questions of concern to parents and students such as:
1. What excites you most about the prospects of next year?
2. What do you fear most about the prospects of next year?
etc, etc, i won't subject you to any more.
despite the fact that i myself will be subjected to roughly 3 hours and 15 minutes of it.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-06T21:41:00

2002-01-07T02:47:14Z

VARDAMAN

My mother is a fish.

***

Waking Life was quite the movie.
the sort of film where you immediately know that you'd like to see it again.
plus i saw it at the foundry.
all movies everywhere should cost $3.

rilo kiley in my mail slot in a week or so.
i miss holding your hand in the car already.

crookedspin @ 2002-01-02T00:56:00

2002-01-02T05:54:09Z

dull grey lines
as the crowning event
fair and white lying there
never meant
to be moving this way
underhand
underneath
push the settings again
moving mouth
still alone
tomorrows a yesterday
i'm tilted
still on hold
make your breath a disease
hold on to breaking

and manage to say please.

crookedspin @ 2001-12-30T15:02:00

2001-12-30T20:05:55Z

i came home last night.
i left this:

and during that period, i was actually anticipating coming home.
i think i was on drugs.
completely unaware, but on drugs.

royal tenenbaums: wonderful.
new digital camera: pretty nice but fairly mediocre.
weather here: makes me want to kill myself.
funds: non-existant.
feet: cold.

time for a warm bath.

and now it's time to say good-bye.. to all our company.. M-I-C..

2001-12-22T03:55:47Z

C-ya real soon!
K-E-Y.. why? because we like you!
M-O-U-S-Eeee..
(is it pathetic that i remember that?)

so guess who's going to the virgin islands for a week?

yes, of course, it's me.
i bet the suspense of that one line was killing you.
i know i won't be missed.
it's something i've accepted.
overcoming denial, first step of many.. 12 or so.

but i wish you all a Merry Christmas!, etc etc.

and if i don't have e-mail up there..
boy, i have your hanukkah presents and i think (hope) that you'll like them.
and i wrapped them all seperately.
expect for one, he refused to be wrapped. (ooh, what does that mean?)
and i miss you terribly.
oh, and i had the chance to see the royal tenenbaums with everyone but i declined!
yeah but all your presents fucking OWN me, you had better love them all.
plus, if you don't like them you have me.
and i'm the gift that keeps on giving.

and taking occasionally.

crookedspin @ 2001-12-21T20:02:00

2001-12-22T01:03:13Z

01. I hurt: when i've hurt someone else.
02. I love: not as much as i can.
03. I hate: the irritation of the moment.
04. I cry: too often.
05. I fear: pain.
06. I hope: i can learn how to ____.
07. I sadden: when it can't be avoided.
08. I feel alone: when i feel hollow.
09. I kill: only when it's neccessary.
10. I talk: to my dog.
11. I listen: to not enough music.
12. I break: cell phones.
13. I see: a penguin
14. I smell: damn good.
15. I taste: damn good.
16. I work: on learning how to work.
17. I remember: what i want to remember.
18. I hold: on.
19. I hide: whatever hurts.
20. I pray: when jesus flies.
21. I walk: because i don't drive.
22. I drive: in the passengers seat.
23. I read: warning labels.
24. I burn: the evidence.
25. I breathe: every now and then.
26. I play: like a little girl.
27. I miss: everything i've had and lost.
28. I touch: myself.
29. I learn: when i'm open to being taught.
30. I feel: too much.
31. I know: who i am.
32. I said: i'm coming, hold your horses.
33. I dream: when i'm lost.
34. I have: things i don't deserve.
35. I want: to be able to see.
36. I fall: into visible traps.
37. I wait: even though i'm impaitient.
38. I need: something i may already have.
39. I live: for life.
40. I die: when i'm good and ready.

what in the world is in that CASE, what you got in that CASE?

2001-12-21T05:04:17Z

wasted black eyeliner kohl pencil
no soho tonight-o.
argument with my father
adults don't enjoy it when you tell them they're in a rotten mood
when you show them you're actually paying attention
maybe stubborn
but i'm not budging
hell no.
i deleted an entire poem
i deserve a fucking hug
hugs, i tell you, hugs!
cold toes, nose, cold ankles
numerous online conversations blurring together
is it a crime that i want to click the x?
click, click, gone, woo
hum.
hi
i miss you.
i wonder why that won't go away
ringing
i need to stop chewing my nails
might just become an addict
then it's time for NBA (nail biters anonymous) and my life takes a turn for the worst
becca can't spell literally* but i'm the one on crack
looks like i win again bizatch.
i want to see the royal tenenbaums.

crookedspin @ 2001-12-17T12:37:00

2001-12-17T17:38:46Z

Congratulations, Justine!
Your Ultimate IQ score is 129
Your Intellectual Type is a Visionary Philosopher

Like Plato, your mind's strengths allow you to think ahead of the game ? to imagine or anticipate what should come next in just about any situation.

Take the Ultimate IQ Test at Emode.com

crookedspin @ 2001-12-15T21:46:00

2001-12-16T03:03:31Z

my head hurts tremendously.
a cup of lemon tea.
no substitute for honey and lemon.

everybody's got screwed up stories.
everybody's got gruesome details.

but you'll never get mine.

i've got so many girls across the globe.

2001-12-12T20:01:58Z

a gift from: claystatues

fate dragging stars.

2001-12-11T00:00:34Z

braced arms still in your weakening gaze
gritty sand never ceased to amaze
a young childs golden eye
as he reached into the air
watched the bleak passer-by
moving, and going nowhere
still the letters unsent
in a box at the end of the stairs

echoes gone
in a room filled with walls of dust
a green tainted memory
where the options aren't meant to confuse
somehow lost
six feet under a wait and see
cringing with apathy

the meaning's all gone to my head.

secret songs that you keep wrapped in boxes so tight.

2001-12-09T20:42:15Z

"and all the girls really wanna get with the boys and the boys really like it."
could those lyrics possibly be any worse?
could no doubt have stooped any lower?
could that song make me want to gauge my eyes out with a mellon baller any more than it is right now?
i think i could answer all those questions with a hearty: NO.

and that just makes me think of other things that have ticked me off.
now, and in the past.
like, for instance, the stupid network known as MTV who never brought back this show:

which is just such a shame.
considering how ahead of it's time the show was.
pfff.

i'm a test whore, i'm a test whore, i'm a test whore! there i said it.

2001-12-06T19:26:29Z

I am a Chieftan Carved out of Cheese.

My raspberry motivation slides transparently beyond the elongated prune. I dig widely upon the bus of my leather mangroves. Hygienic cameras pardon my curly white atmosphere.

Grant the wise barnacle, forsooth? The Utterly Surreal Test

the strange thing is that i really identify with this result.
i feel like listening to the original "smooth criminal".

tricks are everything to me.

2001-12-06T01:51:16Z

i'm having big trouble writing.
everything sounds like complete and utter bullshit.
as if it doesn't mean anything because it's coming from my brain.
i need a spring cleaning of my head.. i could really use a dust buster.

and i sort of.. almost want to see the get-up kids on the 17th.

Once the ground of mind is clarified,
There is no obstruction at all.
You shed views and interpretations
That are based on concepts such as
Victory and defeat, self and others,
Right and wrong.
Thus you pass through all that
And reach a realm of great rest and tranquility.
- Yuanwu

om.
damn right.

this is an i'm sorry/thank you/anything else it's meant to be entry.

2001-12-02T23:39:25Z

21 things i love about my boyfriend slava. :D
(i could think of more but this seemed appropriate.)

1.) he holds my hand when he's driving.
2.) he makes adorable noises on the phone.
3.) he always tells me i "look amazing".
4.) he has the most beautiful eyes.
5.) he always wants to make a good impression.
6.) he asks sooo many questions.
7.) he likes my friends.
8.) we have similar taste in music.. and when we don't he always gives my music a chance.. or play it on his radio show.
9.) he works so hard to get where he wants to go.
10.) he asks me for clothes advice.
11.) he thinks i'm cute, and tells me so, even when i protest.
12.) he even thinks it's cute when i'm sliding across the 7-11 floor at 2 a.m.
13.) he worries about me.
14.) for my birthday he blindfolded me and set up an entire suprise dinner at his house.
15.) he smells amazing.
16.) he talks to me on the phone everynight.
17.) he loves me.
18.) he's as affectionate as a puppy dog.
19.) he says "that's genius" all the time.
20.) he bought me scooby-doo underwear.
21.) he makes me feel absolutely wonderful.